The Irony of Advising

There are many instances in life when we find friend/relative/ colleague in problem and it comes down to advising. I have carefully observed these happenings, at least in my case, both while taking and giving advice.

Advising someone on something is kind of a hobby/pastime for many of us. It really feels so good to advise someone. The good feeling is associated with it because it satisfies our ego that – I know which the other doesn’t, or I am able to think/decide, which the other isn’t. I don’t undermine the good intentions behind advising that may help the troubled, but in most of the cases, these intentions are associated with the subtle feeling – I (I, the egoistic I) am helping someone with something. Or rather, I can help and the other needs help.

And when you somehow realize this I behind the advising, it is never the same, never that easy.

The first essential of advising is that before one does so, he must make sure that he has experienced what he is advising on. It shouldn’t be based only on logic and knowledge. Experiences must assist him during the advising work.

I remember all the late night sentimental chatting with a friend at IIT. And there went discussions about love, emotions, relations and what not. Discussing issues and advising each other was an essential part of all this and I daresay that at that time, my friend was at the receiving end of all these advices. Why?

Well, very simple! His life wasn’t going as simple and easy as mine. So he needed advice and I could give advice (really???). I really thought that I could advise because I have been through such a relationship (I am getting cryptic intentionally, but I have to be). I was partly wrong because though I had been through such a relationship, I hadn’t been through the tough part of it that used to bug my friend at that time.

I realized this mistake when time became tough for me the last summer. And I had the luck to be with my friend once again and lo, this time it was my friend advising me. And one can guess by now that things were going relatively smoother in his life (and not so smooth in mine).

So that was my first learning – Don’t give advice unless you have yourself experienced or underwent the situation. But life isn’t that easy, is it?

The second major time when I faced this dilemma was while advising two friends (A&B) on the career front. I remember the tension full days of placement time and how friends (A&B and others) used to pacify my negative thoughts – Be patient! The right thing will come for you at the right time. Or things like – It’s finally good that you didn’t get this company. Or - Your career mayn’t start perfectly but things will improve with time. All true but still crap. Crap because either the advisor is speaking out of logic or knowledge but not out of experience. And even if he is, he isn’t in the trouble at this moment.

By the time sides flipped and it was my turn on advising, I had experience, but unfortunately for my friends and fortunately for me, I still couldn’t advise. I observed that though I had steered through those though times, I was doing fine now (I guess life was generous on me). Now I couldn’t really step into the shoes of the advisees. To cut the long story short, I could assess things objectively, but not subjectively.

On the other side of the argument, I really see a point in advising objectively. The fact that the advisor can’t step into the shoes of the advisee actually helps. Being away from the trouble, the advisor can actually see the situation without involving any emotion/fear/selfishness.

To put it in an example, consider a man in a maze looking for a landmark that is really difficult to find because he can see things which only surround him and not otherwise. Such situations are added by complexity, frustration of being trapped and inability to come out (subjective situation). Getting out of the problem becomes primary whereas getting to the landmark may become secondary. On the other hand, a person looking the maze from above can easily guide him towards the landmark since he can see the landmark and the leading ways. Nevertheless, I would never be in favor of advising when it is not accompanied by an experience.

Another aspect of advice is its simplicity. Sometimes as an advisee, we tend to reject simple advices, because generally we know them. But it is always good to spend a minute on what the advisor is suggesting and without involving oneself (I know it is difficult), see how it applies. And I’ve generally found that it either works or at least gives us a better direction of thinking or going towards the landmark in the maze.

I would like to touch upon ‘the necessity of taking advice’. Most of the times, we are in a fix only when we are bound either by fear or temptation or emotion, all of which generally make us do things at times which we wouldn’t do if those were not there in the first place. If we can consciously observe it and try to get free of it, most of these requirements will automatically finish. And if at all, there still remains something to be advised upon, I believe we should only approach experienced people.

Finally a quote by Roman author Publilius Cyrus: Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it.

I hope you’ll take advice only from one who really can give it, and if you take, you’ll also benefit from it.