Shaadi.com vs BharatMatrimony.com

This is a long due blog – due to the winner among the two and more so to my friends who are still hunting for a soul mate and are considering/using matrimony website(s) as one of their Stairways to Heaven.

Shaadi.com (henceforth referred to as Shaadi) and BharatMatrimony.com (henceforth referred to as BM) are the two largest matrimony websites in India. I do not have first-hand knowledge about JeevanSaathi.com or other websites. Before I jump into the comparison, I would like to dwell into when one finds his/her way into matrimonial websites, the dangers/prejudices it holds and where and when it works.

Philosophy and reality of matrimony websites

Matrimonial websites are rarely the first option for partner seekers, but they are good, and over the years, they have been very successful in getting the right match, and in some cases, an acceptable compromise. In my case, it didn’t give the solution in the end, but I learned well about Shaadi and BM and have a reasonable idea which one would give a good success rate for which type of people.

So, let’s start with general sphere of influence of these matrimony websites. They are:

Effective for

1. Agarwals, Jains, Maheshwaris and the likes – basically big castes with a good array of mates to choose from. Also effective for Brahmins who are flexible with Brahmin sub-castes.
2. Where marriage must happen within the caste – do or die, billionaire or blind.
3. Doctors and Chartered Accountants, who prefer partners from same profession.
4. Professionals seeking a professional partner without bias for caste.
5. Bohras/Muslims/Christians/Jews – a small array to choose from, so either you find it or you don’t, but at least you don’t waste your time.
6. Beautiful girls – I am not being sexist about it, but they will get many proposals, no matter what, as most guys would sacrifice many other parameters to have a beautiful wife.

Not very effective for:

1. Boys from Banswara – I mean guys small towns or cities. I found that a lot of families/girls have preconceived negative notions about not marrying into a family from a small place, even though the guy is working in a big city or outside India. The same notion isn’t reserved for girls from smaller cities, as they will be move into the bigger city family after the marriage.
2. Seekers from small castes or sections, who are flexible to look out.
3. Run-of-the-mill (read too many available) engineers and management professionals.
4. Professionally successful women beyond the socially accepted marriageable age.

Needless to say – above isn’t a rulebook, but should have a good 80-20 or 70-30 applicability.

Psychology when using such websites

Psychologically, one looks for more superior partners on matrimony websites than what one would be looking for within one’s comfort zone of caste or city. This happens because:

As I said before, a matrimony website is hardly a first option. Generally, we search within the caste, then through near or far relatives or friends. Then we start looking out of the caste into other acceptable (usually ‘higher’) castes within our city/region. At some point, especially these days, parents also ask the son/daughter whether they like or love someone from a good caste (same level or higher). When all frontiers are lost, a half-hearted registration to these websites is made.

Now, my search criteria was as follows (and I think the MUSTs apply in general to a large set of people):

1. Good character/soft and good nature. (MUST)

2. Good family. (MUST)

3. Good education. (MUST)

4. Average-good looks. (MUST)

5. Preferably working, otherwise a housewife, but definitely not very career-oriented. (MUST)

6. Interested in spirituality. (WANT)

7. Very beautiful. (WANT)

8. From a very educated family with parent(s) having a reputable job/profession. (WANT)

9. From a place preferably closer to, or at least easily to reach from, Banswara. (WANT)

But when one looks at matrimony websites, the confidence that these criteria (especially 1, 2) are actually met is low, for there is a chance of misunderstanding, or even worse, cheating. And therefore, we look for and would accept far better partners from matrimony websites than we would within our own castes or region.

The proof of the pudding was seen in the proposals I sent and received on BM. I hardly liked the ones I received and I was rejected or not responded to by the ones I proposed.

The comparison, finally…

Now coming to the comparison, I will do it categorically:

1. The name: When it comes to the name, Shaadi is clearly a winner, for shaadi in Hindi means marriage. In mind, it sounds like the obvious choice. BM’s name has a bit of a hybrid touch. “What is in a name”, they say, but it is for nothing but the name that Shaadi is the biggest matrimony website!

2. Fee: Both websites allow you to look for partners with a free login. But to get contact info, one has to pay. Both are expensive, at least costing above 2k for 3 months (minimum registration period), but BM was slightly cheaper than Shaadi when I registered.

3. Login and ease of handling: BM is easier to use compared to Shaadi. The login to Shaadi is a bit cumbersome and it opens as a pop-up window where tabs cannot be managed, whereas BM works in normal window, where multiple tabs can be opened.

4. Search: The search function in both websites is effective – with enough options of age, height, religion/caste, region, salary etc. to choose from. However, looking at the search results, I always felt that BM offers you a better array of results than Shaadi – this might have something to do with appearances.

5. Appearances: Appearance-wise, BM is far superior to Shaadi. Apart from browsing and tabs-management, the profile and photos look far cleaner and better in BM.

6. Details: Shaadi is horrendously ineffective when it comes to partner details. It is rather strange, for Shaadi profiles are usually uploaded with support from their executives and after their review, whereas BM profiles are developed individually and only some things such as photos are screened before display. BM lets you give as much details about yourself as you like in an organized form (Personal Info, Occupational Info, Religious Beliefs, Hobbies etc.) and at the same time, it lets you share your expectations from life partner in an organized way. Shaadi, on the other hand, is less detailed and doesn’t have an option for describing your options except in the Comments section. In fact, Shaadi by default won’t reveal the person’s name and you are lucky if it is given in Comments section. BM doesn’t have such illogical issues.

7. Horoscope match: Provided you and the searched result have both put the required details of birth date/time and place, the website will auto-calculate the horoscope match and display it just below the profile ID.

8. Contact info and contact: Here again, BM is very effective. You can either dig the person’s phone no. or you can send a message without knowing their email ID. For your account type, you have a certain limit on messages or phone numbers, which is reasonable. In case of Shaadi, they are still living in the stone age. They will mail you the contact info rather than email it, and even then, they will mostly forget or take too much time to respond.

9. Expressing interest: BM offers a good range of choice here, including phone number, text messages and voice messages. If the user is online, you can also do a text chat. Shaadi on the other hand only gives you the contact info after long chasing.

10. Customer support: BM’s customer support is very good. They called me a day after I created my paid profile to inform my about my benefits. Shaadi on the other hand is seemingly full of ineffective conmen. Even after my repeated requests of sending the profiles on my email rather than my mailbox, they didn’t respond and it took 2 personal visits from my sister to resolve the issue.

Conclusion: I think they are right when they say, “What is in a name”?

Disclaimer: All thoughts or notions expressed in here are solely that of the author and are not intended to malign the already maligned reputation of Shaadi or boost the business of BM. The author doesn’t have any profit sharing agreement with BM and will definitely not receive a penny from Shaadi. His sole intention is to reveal the truth as he sees and direct his friends and blog followers to the relatively right path. The comparisons are based on his solumate search on Shaadi between August – November 2010 and on BM between December-February 2011.

Meeting with an accomplished man

Different people have different opinions or notions about what an accomplished man/woman or an accomplished life would be like. However, one notion shared by a wide group is that if one has done and achieved one could do and achieve, then he/she has fully lived the life. I met such an accomplished man today. I will limit my opinions and try to capture most of our conversations.

This gentleman, named Mokhtar Adb Razak, drives executive “limousine” (Toyota/Kia MUV cars). On request of the Park Royal hotel concierge, I agreed on taking a slightly expensive but good quality limousine instead of a regular taxi at a premium of 20 MYR (300 INR) and that was a very good decision.

Preamble

Mokhtar (M): Hello sir, how are you?

Kumar (K): I am fine, thank you.

M: So sir, where are you going?

K: Bintulu.

M: Flying by MAS?

K: Yes.

M: OK. Just need to make sure I send you to the right airport J.

K: OK.

M: You work in Bintulu?

K: Yes.

M: Which sector? Oil?

K: Yes.

M: Which company?

K: Shell.

M: Oh, that’s a very good company. I have seen many people working for the company for 20+ years. It must be a good company to work for, for the people are staying that long. (Sayan and I had a similar discussion yesterday on how sometimes people feel that the company isn’t good enough or fair enough at times, but if you talk outside, you realize you are working for one of the better employers, if not the best, in this region).

Traffic and Taxi business:

M: This morning, there was a terrible jam on the roads coming into the city.

K: Yeah? Actually last night was even more terrible. (Had a storm last night).

M: That was because some old trees fell and four cars were crushed under it.

K: Ohh, anyone got hurt?

M: Luckily no. But unlucky for them, the insurance doesn’t cover the acts of God. They only cover for manly acts of accident and negligence.

K: (Thinking about the driver’s intelligence…) Hmm.

K: So is this your own car or you rent it?

M: Rent.

K: How much do you pay per month?

M: 100 MYR per day.

K: And how is the business?

M: Survival. One cannot become rich as a taxi driver, but it is enough for survival. (I took these remarks as general, but found later that they had a solid foundation from this man’s life).

K: You have family? (This question is almost redundant for a man of M’s age in the East, but this is a poor practice of not assuming anything that I carry from my years in the West).

M: Yes, nine children.

(I was like Wow! I was inclined to immediately ask how many wives he has [in Malaysia, Muslims are allowed to have 4 wives], but thought it would be offensive, even if I add “If you don’t mind asking” bullshit in the beginning of the question … why would one ask a question if he/she thinks it might offend the other person? Then another question came whether Islam too, like Roman Catholics, has ideas that protection shouldn’t be used, but thought that that would be even more offensive. Anyway, this was a turning point in our conversation and it revealed how accomplished a taxi driver with Muslim tag and 9 children could be from within. BTW, there is a great book called as Taxi Driver Wisdom, which I came across in our Mission library in Chennai!)

Family and children

(After a lot of consideration…)

K: Wow, 9 children.

M: Actually I wanted 12, but God’s will was 9. 9 sounds a lot, but once they start going to school and college, it isn’t a lot. Now, there are only 4 left at home (Phew… only!).

K: In this age, people think hard for even having a 2^nd or 3^rd child (referring to the East, the West is further off!).

M: People are worried about children because they equate children with money (which is true in a sense), but I believe that things fall in place anyway (and it did if I see this man – a taxi driver by profession, 51 years old but looking 45, short but fit, a bit bald but still all black hairs, having 9 children and still lamenting about not having 3 more, and most of all carrying a smile and subtlety on his face that shows only the tip of his maturity iceberg).

K: You must have a lot of faith in God.

M: Yes, I do. I try to be a good Muslim.

(After some moments...)

M: Generally, money is tight twice a year. Once when the school begins – to get their clothing, books etc. And the second is during Hari Raya (Ramzan/Ramaadan). However, I am still surviving (with a very gentle smile). And tough times come and there are times when things are very relaxed too. These things come and go.

God and religion

M: Are you Muslim?

K: No, I am Hindu.

M: Oh, so you worship Hindu god?

K: Not really. I am born as a Hindu, but I don’t follow Hinduism in that way. I practice meditation – that is my way of God.

M: OK.

M: If you get an opportunity, you should try to read Koran. (This was said in very positive spirit of sharing something good and not in the converting spirit I have seen with some in the past.)

K: Actually, I have the fortune of having two of my best school friends as Muslims, of which I have very close association with one’s family as well. And then, I also found this nice book called as 365 readings from Islam. Actually I practice meditation, but I like knowing about other religions, what the founders said and how the religions have shaped through centuries.

M: Good, it widens your perspective.

K: (now in boasting mode) You know there is one thing given in the book which I like the most which most of my Muslim friends don’t know and most of them even deny it, as the book has been written by a Dutch man. But these western people are very methodical and I believe in what she said. So, I will ask you the same question – why is Friday a special day for Muslims?

M: You see in Islam, we have a concept of Jamaat (gathering). But before I gather with community, I must gather with my family, and before I gather with the family, I must gather with my wife, and before I gather with my wife, I must gather with myself! (sidetracked as he didn’t understand my question well, but very wise thoughts; later, he also told me something new – that the prophet recommends mating on Thursday night and Monday night to get well-balanced children – Thursday one of course in line with the above thought).

K: That is a very good thought, but my question is – why Friday? Why not Tuesday or Thursday?

M: In Islam and Bible, they say that God created Man in 6 or 7 days depending on reference. Starting with Sunday as first day, the man was completed in 6 days (he gave details that I wouldn’t go into).

K: OK, what you say is one opinion and something that no one has told me before. However, I will tell you what the book says. When Mohammed moved to Medina, he got the idea of doing prayer in-group. He first thought of Saturday, but decided on Friday because Jews are busy on Saturday because of the day of Sabbath, and he thought that by keeping it on Friday, it would also allow Jews who want to join to take part. It shows the openness and consideration of that great man.

M: OK, that may also be right.

(After some moments...)

M: You know I don’t see religion as a way of just following the rituals. I see our prayers as means to reconnect to our creator. That is why we have 5-times prayer of 10 minutes each – to purify our thoughts and to re connect.

[Interesting point – 365 readings on Islam says that when Mohammed first asked Abraham (called Ibrahim in Islam) on how many times we should pray in a day, he got 50 as the answer! Knowing how difficult it would be for people to follow, he requested this to be reduced to 5. How wise!]

K: Your thoughts are very modern and refined and I doubt how many Muslims think like you (in fact, for most people, this man would be called as a heretic; and to be further clear, this lack of openness and refinement is applicable to a big percentage of almost every religious and spiritual group).

M: You know I also don’t believe that Allah is God (whew!). Allah is Allah and God is God. If there is no man, there is no God. God creates man so that he can get recognition (said with a slightly mocking, yet decent laugh). In fact, I think that the God is in each one of us. He created us and what do we do? We can make cars, buildings and what not, but can I make a baby girl if I want to? No. All we do is derive pleasure out of it, but the work of God is done through the intercourse – we create children as God created us. Therefore, I think I am also Mohammed – the messenger of God, bringing creation into the world and continuing God’s existence.

(By this time, I had already started wondering if this man is greatly educated or what? He speaks good English, has bright ideas and sometimes uses very sophisticated and relevant words. However, further conversations revealed that his wisdom stems from experiences of his years, his search motive and his natural living.)

On conversations

M: Although it is not given in the Koran, the Prophet has once said that it is good to have conflicting conversations – truth will emerge out of the conflict, but it is required that both persons are honest and are searching for the truth.

(Thinking later, I thought it is perhaps also true for a married life; these days, people worry so much about the perfect partner and all that, but every couple fights, everyone has tough times in life and so on. However, honest duo in the couple would help each other learn the truth and relish the juice of life).

I don’t know where our conversation ended, but it did end when I reached airport. I felt lucky that I didn’t use the iPod I had taken out when I entered the car and that I followed my natural instinct of not doing anything (in fact the desire of doing a lot in life is most of the times a reflection of own insecurity or smallness).

I felt and still feel very happy – and the right words of the feeling would be that it was the happiness of meeting a pure hearted human being, who has not wasted his life and has rather evolved beautifully through it.

PS: There is an amazing book Meetings with Remarkable Men by G.I. Gurdjieff, which is far better than my blog, but this fact deserved mention only at the end.